I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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