we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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