Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
