So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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