It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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