Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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