we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
