Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
