piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
