I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
