She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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