Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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