I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
