Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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