You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
