its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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