TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
