Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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