i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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