fuck your aforementioned shoe
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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