Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
