he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
