these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
