don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
