don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
