i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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