you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
