So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize