3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
