How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
