it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize