last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
