Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
