direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
