A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
