There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
