Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
