got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
