i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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