im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
