Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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