If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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