Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize