i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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