She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
