I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
