1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
