I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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