My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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