He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
