It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
