got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize