New low: just hacked my moms facebook
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
