Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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