On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
