It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
