He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
