I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
