god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
