Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
