i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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