I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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