Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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