There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm always down for nudity.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
