I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My feet surprised me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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