I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
