Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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