Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
