does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
